My last blog was intense, not in the dramatic, Blair Witch Project type of intense, but rather in the someone just blasted a trillion candlepower spotlight into my bedroom window at 3 AM and I can’t figure out what the heck is going on kind of intense; post compensation will do that to you. I will switch gears this blog, and make this a holiday themed, light-hearted look at how Santa’s sleigh could be improved by the use of hydraulics.
I want to be on the episode of “Pimp My Ride” when Xzibit ambushes Santa as he unassumingly lands on a dry, warm California rooftop in the early morning hours of the 25ththis month. Seriously Santa, when was the last time you bought a new ride? You know they make canopy tops for convertibles now, right? Okay, stick with your toboggan, crazy carpet, sleigh or whatever it is, for all I care … but at least make some improvements.
First, I would start with some hydraulic downriggers. Roofs tend to be pointy, and if you don’t land that sled just right in the middle of the roofline, those slippery clay tiles won’t prevent your sleigh and eight tiny reindeer from crashing down into the rock garden. Downriggers will keep your sled planted firmly on the roof.
Downriggers will keep the sleigh stable enough to use the bucket boom attachment I want to add. Mr. Claus, you aren’t a spring chicken anymore. Why should you have to risk throwing out your back, or blowing out a knee by getting in and out of your vehicle and walking across a roof a billion times in one night? Your bucket boom will safely and quickly move you from the sleigh to the chimney without risking a slip on the snowy roofs of the Great White North.
While I’m at it, you’re getting too old to be arbitrarily climbing down and back up a chimney when there are gentler and faster methods at your disposal. Yes, a hydraulic winch fixed nicely to the bucket will lower your harnessed and not-insignificant butt down the chimney with little or no histrionics in an already action-packed night. You should be back at “The Pole” for warm cocoa and a liberal application of Rub A535 from Mrs. Claus before twilight; although twilight could be perpetual this time of year in the Arctic Circle, I’m too lazy to google it (although I wasn’t too lazy to google if you can use “google” the verb without a capital, unlike “Google” the noun).
Okay Kris Kringle, I’ve improved your efficiency and safety up to the point of a smoldering pit at the bottom of a chimney (I can’t help you with fire-retardant fleece pants, as that’s out of my realm), but I can probably shave a couple nanoseconds off the twenty-four nanoseconds I’ve calculated it takes for you to visit one of the billion households in one night. You need to consider material handling. It’s a lot of work to walk over to the Christmas tree, open your bag, pull out the elven-made and -wrapped presents and then place them under the evergreen.
I’ll leave it up to you and your North Pole magic to figure out how to fold it up and put it in your sack, but you need an automation cell to streamline the final phase of gift delivery. A lean storage system for the gifts would keep it all organized, and an automated picker will prevent you from mistakenly grabbing Isabella’s “Lalaloopsy” doll instead of Hayden’s “Nerf N Strike Elite Hail-Fire Blaster.”
Once picked, the gifts will travel along a conveyor towards the most-likely-artificial pine where pneumatic cylinders will eject the gifts like a rapid-fire Gatling gun to their respective spots on the designer Gucci Christmas tree mat. Hit the e-stop and the whole contraption folds up into the big red sack. Push your wireless remote, and the winch yanks you back up to the glares of the envious reindeer noticing the cookie crumbs on your beard, while their stomachs grumble from hours of fasting, a consequence of flying you around the globe (c’mon Santa, share the love!)
These are solid ideas, Santa, so I feel I should get a little something extra for my efforts this year. Too bad a Bugatti Veyron won’t fit under the tree!